Dear Friends of Exchange Students

Dear Friends of Exchange Students,

It's tough work being an exchange student, but it can also be considerably difficult being the friend of an exchange student. I mean, exchange students can be pretty high-maintenance. On minute they're constantly talking about their upcoming exchange, then they're gone, and then all of the sudden, they're back, and talking about their exchange. And chances are, anytime you talked while they were gone, it was at least partially about their exchange. What can I say, it's a big deal! So, you friends of exchangers you, here are some tips to help you (and your exchanging friend) out.

■ Before they leave:
● Do-
• Ask them questions about their host country/culture/family/etc., because they probably want to talk about it! It's really cool for us when you act like you're also interested in our host country, and you might even ask us something that we don't know but should find out.
• Ask if they want or need any help getting ready to go. I'm not saying to help them pack their suitcase (unless they ask), but there is some pre-departure shopping that we have to do (airport friendly toiletries, gifts for the host family, etc.) that we might like to have company for! Also, offering to help them study their host language is a gesture that will be largely appreciated, even if the gesture is turned down,
• Be supportive in general. Even though we made the decision the leave almost everything we know behind for x-amount of months, it's still a huge step and we need all the support we can get.
● Do not-
• Say things like, "I can't belive you're leaving me," or "You're not allowed to leave me for so long. I'll miss you too much." We're going to go anyway, okay? We want to go, but it's still hard. Hearing you say things like that makes it much harder.
• Get mad at them for always talking about how excited they are/their host country/their host family/etc., because we're just reeeeaaaaaally excited, okay?
• Tell them going abroad is a bad decision unless you have a legitimate reason. But even then, don't. Chances are that legitimate reason has been thoroughly discussed between the student and their family, so if they're still going abroad despite this reason, you probably aren't going to change their mind.

■ While they're on their exchange:
● Do-
• Keep up with their blog/facebook/other social media if you're interested in knowing what's up. This will cover all the important things that the student is up to, and it'll really help them for reasons stated in the next "do not" bullet.
• Ask serious questions in the comments section! By serious, I mean something specifically pertaining to the post. Don't go off on a tangent saying, "How's whatever country?! How are you?! I miss you soooo much!!!!1!!!!1!" Not only does that distract from the post, but the whole, "I miss you," thing might make us homesick (or moreso, which, trust me, isn't a fun deal).
● Do not-
• Message them often (unless you're a special case friend. I have one of those friends myself, but most friends: please don't). It's not that we don't want to talk to you, it's just that we're busy and don't want to get homesick, and the more time we spend talking to our home-friends, the more time we spend away from our host family and culture. If we want to talk to you, we'll reach out first. Unless we're really shy...
• If you are chatting, don't get mad if they don't respond right away. Like I said, exchange students are busy people.
• Tell them small details while you're talking. It'll make us miss home.
• Gossip, especially about friends. Don't tell us what bad thing who did. It'll make us worry and feel bad that we aren't there to help.
• Tell them that school/work/whatever isn't the same without them and they need to come home as soon as possible. Just... don't.

■ When they return:
● Do-
• listen when they tell you about their experience! Especially the first week or two of being back, we'll have a lot to say. Just bear with us for a little while.
• Ask if they need help unpacking/relearning English (a serious problem, furreal guys)/keeping our mind off our second home. Chances are, we won't be quite sure what to do with ourselves now that part of us is x-amount of miles away.
• Try to act the same-ish with them as before they left. Yes, we've grown a lot during our exchange, but you've changed too! Let's just embrace our new growth together and act normal around each other.
● Do not-
• Tell us it's weird when we talk about missing our host country/family/culture/etc., because it's not weird. It's not, okay?
• Get annoyed when they accidentally say something in their host language or forget the English word for something. We're trying to readjust and it's freaking hard.
• Try to fill them in on what happened while they were gone. Hit the highlights and move on.
• Be afraid to guide the topic of conversation away from their exchange. Better yet, help us come up with a short summary of what happened for when other people ask.
• Tell them, "You're never allowed to leave me again!" or say something similar. First off, that's ridiculous. We're all getting older and nothing can stay the same. Eventually college will happen. Life will happen.
• The worst: do not ask us how our trip or how our vacation was, and if you do ask us that, then may all that is good bless your darned soul, we might stab you. It was not a trip. It was not a vacation. Do not call it that.

Friends, we know it's rough when a close friend goes on exchange. Letting someone go will always be hard, and everyone needs to learn how to do so gracefully. I've been on both ends of this: as both the friend and as the student. I know it's hard to know what to do to help. I know it's hard knowing what to say. I know it's hard. It's hard being the student too, and what the student needs is your support through it all. The student most likely isn't leaving because they want to get away from you or something (if they are, they should reevaluate their motives). The student is probably going to learn about a new culture, new language, new people, and about themselves. It's nothing against you.
To all those friends of exchange students: y'all are great. Keep being awesome and it'll all be fine.

Love,
An exchange student

Dear Families of Exchange Students

Dear Families of Exchange Students,

Let's be honest: something changed when your kid first brought up that they wanted to study abroad during high school. Like, what the heck, kid?! You're not supposed to leave until after college! Once everything became official and you started telling people that your kid was spending x-amount of months in x-country, they said, "Are you crazy? I would never let my kid do that at such a young age!"
Yes, families, you are a little crazy. We exchange students thank you for that.
Naturally as the exchange unfolds, there's a lot more untouched territory that needs to be covered. Do's and Don'ts that come with being family members of exchange students are as follows:

■ Before they leave:
● Do-
• Help them with paperwork, packing, preparing, and basically anything they want help with
• Be supportive
• Make sure they're leaving home on good terms with everyone and feeling good about it all
● Do not-
• Ridicule their host country or culture
• Let them leave on a bad note

■ While they're on their exchange:
● Do-
• Ask if there's anything from home they'd like (to an extent, obviously. Do not mail you student their cat if they ask)
• Randomly message them to wish them a good day
• Give them space.  If they don’t message you it is not the end of the world
• Also messaging them pictures of their cat is good (hint, hint, Mom)
● Do not-
• Get mad or annoyed with them because you think they aren't making sufficient progress in learning their host language
• Get mad that your student may talk more to their friends than you, sometimes it’s easier to tell friends when you are feeling down than it is to talk to your parents
• Try to tell them everything that happens at home

■ When they return:
● Do-
• Let them rest
• Ask them questions, but not all at once.
• Ask them to try to cook food from their host country
• Put up with their new weird eating habits (example: putting yogurt on pasta, rice, anything really)
• Put up with their poor English skills. It's easy to forget a language when you don't use it to the same extent as you normally would
• Allow them to get frustrated with being back. Reverse culture shock is a real thing
• Let them miss their host country and family. Your student now has a home that might be an entire ocean away
• Listen to their stories, because you may be the only people they have left to talk to
● Do not-
• Tell them they shouldn't miss their host family so much and that they should just be glad to be back
• Be mad or disappointed in them if they're not fluent in their host language
• Make fun of their host country or culture
• Do not do not DO NOT ask them how their trip or vacation was. It was not a trip. It was not a vacation.
• Do not push them to do things they don’t want to do, reverse culture shock hurts and it takes time to adjust back to their home culture

A relatively short list of advice. Chances are, as the people who probably know the student the best, you know how much is best to talk to them. You probably know how to handle things in accordance to your specific student.
On another note, this is directed more toward parents, but other family members: if the shoe fits, wear it. To the parents: you guys rock. Gold stars to all of you.

Love,
An exchange student